Feels like voicing out so many things just now.
But when the fingers started dancing on the key board,
yours truly seems totally clueless. Hmm.
We had breakfast together every morning at my office cafe!
Went babymoon-ing at Colmar Tropicale..
Faheem's parents at Dewan Felda Merak Kayangan..
Well, as others might have noticed the beloved husband is away once again. Far far away. A place where by it took so many hours for one to arrive. A place where it costs us thousands for the flight tickets. A place where we are 'not allowed' to see each others frequently, yet due to the distance. The remoteness, the hardship of being separated, the longing for a husband's care and seeing the little boy who frequently asking for his papa is really heart-wrenching.
I took Faheem to our room and he asked me, "Maaa papa manne?"
I replied with "Papa kat office.. Papa kene keje. Nanti papa balik ok" I repeated the same sentence each time he asked me the same question until he even memorized it. He asks me the same question and reply back himself. "Papa ofissss appa kejeeeeee.." With his eye balls looking inside mine, as if he's telling me, "I miss papa badly. Please make him coming home now mama" Owh dear.. Kuatkanlah semangatku ya Allah!
And last night there's only the two of us on the bed. I know he's feeling a bit weird but I tried my very best to ignore perasaan dan keadaan tidak best itu. Faheem needs a lot of cuddling before going to sleep, and while I'm hugging him along with some mommy and baby talk while rubbing his chest he suddenly turned to the left side - which is papa's side on the bed.
He said softly, "Aleyyykumm papa aleemmm" which means Asslamualaikum papa Faheem.
Ya Allah I really sadden with his sentence! ='( I just can't help my self as I'm bursting into tears at that instance. Faheem saw me crying, he said "Mama angishhhh" and he tried to wipe the falling tears on my face. Then die golek2 kat bantal, I hardly saw his face but I know he's shedding some tears too because he used to acted the same during the days papa was off to the states - few months back (He's actually wiping his tears to the pillow case). I hold him tighter and told him to get to sleep cepat2 as I'm going to work tomorrow.
With hiccups and watery eyes, I finally fell asleep.
Around 2.20am I was awake. This has been a routine for me since 2 weeks back. I just woke up during wee hours and only get back to sleep few hours later (I experienced the same thing during the first pregnancy). Mata kelip2 teringat kat papa.. Teringat kat Faheem yang suke sangat main dengan papa. I even felt worse when I remember papa had left his perfume and deodorant. He asked me where was it while packing his stuff but the wifey simply said - I don't know. When I'm back from sending him off at the train station, I saw them in my dresser! =( I was the one who hides them there sebab faheem suke sangat main bende tu.
The guilt is torturing me since then. Realizing that he's already off for the long journey and there's no chance for him to get it back, I was crying again and again last night. To the extend that I really felt so down and hopeless, I hurriedly ring the faraway husband. With a deep voice he told me to stop crying and istighfar banyak2. Crying is not good for the pregnant mommy. I know but I just can't help it. I'm sorry papa..
I'm used to be pampered by the husband. He caress me A LOT. He's willing to sacrifice so many things in his life just to see me happy. He's totally a family-man. That's one of the enchanting criterias that makes me choosing him as my forever prince charming years back. And as a result of that, yes I'm a bit spoil due to that. Memang saya terlalu dimanjakan. Sehingga hati ni dirasakan terlalu lemah. Tak sanggup nak hadapi apa2 cabaran kerana he's always there for me!! Astargfirullah.. Sedarlah Lisa. Semua kesenangan, kebahagian di dunia ini hanyalah pinjaman dari yang maha Esa. Sampai masa Dia akan ambil semula. (Teringat kata2 isteri solehah lagi cekal kepada arwah photographer Bernama yang terbunuh di Somalia)
But deep inside my heart, I know things are happening for a reason. Dear god doesn't make us separated just to see us suffer. Yes, we are the ones who chose to be on this path of distress but He had planned this before hand. To make me a stronger person inside and out. To make the husband pursuing a better career. To get Faheem to get used of being away with the parents (he's a stay at home kid). And to get ourselves nearer to Him. Subhanallah.. Hanya solat dan ayat2 Quran yang dapat menenangkan hati kami sekarang.. Disamping papa menyibukkan diri dengan training and sports activity while mama with work and house chores..
Dear husband had sacrificed a lot to both of us. Masa, tenaga and wang ringgit. And it's time for me to really appreciate his efforts. He has resolved a total of 32 pending items in my to-do-list during the short break. Technically speaking he has erased 60% of the cluttering bubbles in my mind so I should be very grateful of that. He only wants me to be a stronger person. Just for another 3 months. And he'll be back.. INSYAALLAH papa..
And remember Zun-nun, when he departed in wrath: He imagined that We had no power over him. But he cried through the depths of darkness, "There is no god but thou: glory to thee: I was indeed wrong!" - Al Anbiya':87